laconic

berlin is the best place on earth. i've never in my life had such a prolonged period of happiness.

i just wanted to record that.

i finally sat down after a very long break to watch the first episode of the 5th series of Six Feet Under. at the end, i realised i'd managed to miss the 4th series entirely. thank god for torrents.

last night i had one of the best nights i've had in london since i got here. maybe it was the best one actually. that's kind of sad, cos it was a night that wouldn't have been too far out of the ordinary back home. but, yeah, it was good to be social and to actually meet and talk with people.

we went to an exhibition opening at the fullham palace. the artist was commissioned by the palace to do some photography in response to the grounds. thankfully he took a very dark approach that reflected the dark history of the place - bishops used to use the cellar space to torture people apparently. the photos were quite captivating actually. the artist was a nice guy to meet too. quite reserved, which is a rare thing among young artists. we chatted a bit about music and stuff. apparently he's off to NYC soon and may be photographing harmony korine, so we had a laugh about how nervous he'll be if it comes off.

then siouxzi and i got drunker and drunker on free booze before one of the few people she's met here arrived. so we hung out with her and her boyfriend and chatted with a whole bunch of other people all night. they were really cool people actually. a nice change to meet some interesting people. fuck, its been a while...

after that we all went to the pub and drank more. now i'm at work regretting being out so late, but fuck it. it was good to hang out, get drunk and talk shit with people.

tonight we're off to see japanther and spin spin the dogs at barden's. then some of the people from last night are organising a night at a bar opposite barden's so we'll drop in there and listen to some people dj good shit. looking forward to a friday night for the first time in a really long time!

Some tough deciding came my way yesterday. I’ve been offered my old job in Sydney with two conditions:
* a payrise that takes me considerably above what I’m earning here
* flexible starting date which means I can stay here for the rest of the year and live it up London style

I’m not really feeling a good fit over here so far. Add that to the financial considerations, and it is a black and white decision – trade in the substandard life for more cash. I wish it was that straight forward.

The problem is that this decision will be more final than the one I made to come here. I’d be throwing away my chance to settle here. It would take time to establish roots here and it won’t be possible if I cut and run. Then there is also the issue that I’d be throwing away my chances of citizenship and the implications that has on settling elsewhere in Europe. But I guess that’s ridiculous to worry about, given that I’d need to be here for 5 years+ for that to be a possibility anyway.

I just don’t want to regret turning my back on making a go of this place. That’s a big decision.

I’ve really got to work out what I don’t like about this place once I take the melodrama out. I’ve also got to work out why I’d want to go back to Australia when the romance of the place from this side of the world is ignored. Then there are questions of what I’d be missing out on if I did return, because there are some pretty cool things about living here. Once they go, there is no getting them back. Ignoring them now while I wallow in my own self-pity is one thing, but saying I never want them is quite another.

My gut feeling is that the standard of living over here is pretty shitty. Cheap flights don’t make your life worthwhile, especially when it is so hard to get away from the stress of work (let alone get away physically). Most people seem to dislike living here, if not hate it. It is a utilitarian city that people use for career. Any other utilitarian function seems ignored (for instance, why is it so hard to do your grocery shopping here???). The weather’s shit, it is expensive and the emphasis on work is overbearing (with all the flow on socioeconomic problems in tow).

I guess I’ve also got to work out if the reason I’m hesitating is because I’m associating turning around with a feeling that I’ve failed here. That is a real possibility and nobody likes feeling like they’ve failed.


Arrrgggghh. Lots of thinking to be done.

I’ve decided it was time to resurrect this thing. At the moment, I’ve got a lot of shit running through my head (and yes, a lot if it is shit), and right or wrong is this is a good outlet. It helps me to work through things in words rather than chaotic, non-linear thoughts. I’m that sort of guy.

The move to this part of the world has been interesting. It’s been a huge thing, much bigger than I expected. It’s also a move that I’ll never regret making. That doesn’t mean it is working out well though. In fact, if I could have seen the future, I wouldn’t have done this. But of course, I couldn’t see the future, hence the lack of regret.

When it comes to it, I don’t think London is really my kind of town. It ticks along at a strange pace. It is fast but the beat is unsteady and it isn’t all that compelling either, more like a dull thud. From travelling to various places, I think it is a common symptom to a lot of ‘great’ cities. They are bored of themselves and rely too much on what has come before. To keep the pace/beat analogy, it is like they are old people recovering from a sprint. The heart is still racing but it isn’t from adrenaline, it is because they have been running around before recently coming to rest. It is going to take a while for their tired hearts to come to a more normal pace. And even though the heart is racing along, it is a dull thud unlike what it would be if was a spritely young man who’d been running. Anyway, the analogy is getting ridiculous now, but I think I’ve made my point.

This place is moving along because of money and reputation. There is little else here at the end of the day. These are things that would excite a lot of people, but I’m not interested in glamour like that. History is fine, but it doesn’t make the current moment any more interesting. In fact, it is in danger of doing the opposite when people talk endlessly about how great the past was with a noticeable silence at the end of the sentence.

The ingredients mean that there is little happening here that holds my interest. I like grit. I like underground. A city with rents this high and such a shortage of space can do little to entertain me (I’m skipping the long anti-capitalism explanation here about space, machinery/capital and the Man). The things I enjoy are unsustainable even more so than they are in other cities, Sydney included. You add the money and the materialism into the mix and it is a city with few things its mind but the more mainstream pursuits. Parenthetically, even here it fails in many areas. Getting a quality meal here is a joke. While the clichés about English cuisine may not hold true, this place could learn a thing or two about food from pretty much any of the other 180-odd cities I’ve visitied. But, yes, it is mainstream pursuits that characterise this place. The underground doesn’t exist to the extent that I had expected from a city of this size. By and large it is something that is used as a means to an end by people in pursuit of either fame, credibility, practice or a pat on the back. This means that there is very little to do here. A city of maybe 10 million (I don’t even know), and there can be nothing to do on a Saturday night if you don’t want either high-brow entertainment or multinational-supported acts who are touring the globe (read: Northern Hemisphere) playing their guitars and singing about the Man.

Yes, in many ways the city lacks soul. In many more ways, it is just plain boring.

Of course, all of this could be harsh. Perhaps it is exaggerated. Perhaps it is misinterpretation or lack of understanding. Perhaps these are just the words of somebody who hasn’t yet found their way in a surprisingly foreign place. I can entertain any of these possibilities, and more.

This brings something else up. Why am I wasting my time here? If my thoughts are right, my time here is a ridiculous waste. But if it is just because it will take a while to scratch the surface, the questions remains equally valid. Sydney is home. With clenched teeth, I admit that it probably always will be. It is a shit of a place in so many ways. But it is my shit of a place. In the last couple of years, it because home more than I could have ever realised without leaving. Without the dullness that could come with it, I’d managed to find my niche. I’d found my routine. Hell, I’d even found myself. So, in all my wisdom, I packed my bags and left.

It may be that after a few years here, I’ll find it all again in a new place. There is no doubt that it would be hugely rewarding to do so. But, hell, I’ll be 30 this year. I remember being told on my 25th birthday by an unmemorable colleague at work that 24 is the peak year and it is all downhill from there. That wasn’t true for me at all. It has been uphill for me since high school finished, with every year better than the last. That has stopped since I got here though. The last four months have been interesting and educational, but they haven’t been that much fun once the dust began to settle. Who knows, if I stick around, maybe my 32nd or 33rd year will be my best. But the intermediate time is bound to be pretty boring. My friends aren’t here and there is really very little chance of finding friends like I have back home. That isn’t melodrama, it is truth. It took me years to develop a great set of friends that I know well and love dearly. Even the kind-of friends I had that I’d see occasionally tended to be great people. In that regard, I was a lucky person. I had a job that was, for all intents and purposes, pretty good. I was paid well and enjoyed my work to the extent that can be expected. Now, though, it just feels like I am making sacrifices and doing the hard time necessary to get some kind of intangible payoff down the track. But, damn, I don’t want to spend the last year of my 20s making sacrifices. I’ve made plenty of them in my life already. Why should I be biding my time here, when I could be having fun elsewhere? There is no logic there – none. This is what I’m really grappling with right now. It is really what it all comes down to.

On the other hand though, I’d be kicking myself, admittedly for nonsense reasons, if I left tomorrow. There would always be a question mark. But if I know I’m not enjoying it here like I could be in Sydney, why is that even an issue. Rational thoughts are feeling irrational right now. So, what I stick around for a year in a job that is pretty shitty, with no friends or social life, in a city that is rife with error, just so I can wipe away the question mark? Probably. Its probably exactly what I’ll do. Why? Probably because I’m a fool, but I’d like to think there are better reasons.

In truth, I probably should have come here years ago.

i think i'm going to resurrect this thing.

barely anybody uses this thing anymore. i think i'll keep the account going so i can check out other people's thoughts but stop using it myself and just post my shit on facebook. lame but happening anyway.

well, i don't really have any news. i just have an unexplainable urge to sit behind my computer and write on this lj and facebook. i'll probably just cut and paste i guess. i suppose this means i'm lonely and trying to reach out to my friends back home. i guess that's true. its weird not having anybody to hang out with but siouxzi. its really strange not walking down the street and either running into people or crossing the street to avoid the ones i don't wanna deal with. i even found myself missing newtown the other day. yeah, we all lay shit on it, but we do love it.

i wouldn't say i'm homesick though. just longing for a bit more connection than i've been getting lately. its gonna be hard making friends here. i can see that already. people are nice and they're friendly, but they are a bit stand-offish i suppose. doesn't help that i'm a complete social retard when it comes to talking to random strangers, which is essentially what i'll have to do to make any friends. i mean, yeah, people at work are nice but i mean friends i can go to see fucked up music with. i'll get there. its not like its got me down yet, but it could come at any moment i guess.

definately having a good time though. right now i'm sitting in an old pub listening to a mix of good 80s music, old punk rock and, oddly enough Creedance Clearwater Revival (or at least i think it is...not that good on my 60s/70s americana folk music). i'm drinking my favourite new beer (John Smith) and using the pub's free wireless. nice. things like this are still exciting. i'm sure i could do most of this at home, but i'd struggle to find a place that does all three at once.

not too sure what the plans are for the weekend. there's a few options on friday night. i think there's something cool at Bethnal Green Working Men's Club and maybe Whitechapel Up Late. probably loads more. (now its Crowded House playing over the PA...weird) it's definately hard keeping track of what's going on. saturday and sunday siouxzi has the weekend off work which is cool. not sure what we'll get up to. have to check the weather.

anyway, this isn't a terribly exciting read for anybody. so, i might end it here. more boring updates to come i assure you...

I’m gonna do an entry about my weekend. Stop now if that offends you.

 

Friday night was a welcome-drink thing for me and another new girl at my work. It was kinda fun actually. I drank Guinness all night at prices that exceeded what I’d pay in Sydney, but then again I only bought one didn’t I, so I shouldn’t complain. These friendly English (and French, Trinidadian, Macedonian, etc) people bought my drinks for me most of the night. Then I was politely informed that waving goodbye isn’t enough here. Apparently I need to hug or shake hands. Not my thing.

 

Saturday, Siouxzi worked at the video store and I went to Camden markets. They were okay I guess. Better than I expected. The record stores along the street were way overpriced and pretty badly stocked. The market in the Electric Ballroom was much better. Not amazing, but there were some nice rarities for reasonable prices. Not that I bought anything. Still waiting to get paid…

 

That night we went to the ICA for something that sounded much better than it was. After paying £6 each to get in, we realised it was just a temporary bar full of hipsters. The art wasn’t really anywhere to be found. And I managed to get cut in front of at the line to the bar by every single art student on this planet. Aaaarrrrghhh. At least there were some nice dubstep tunes being played by a dj with a broken arm. I guess the arm was annoying though cos he bailed and the music got progressively worse and worse after that. So after having one drink each at £3+ a pop, we decided to bail. Very annoying evening. I found out later on that there were a few other good things on that night too so that made it even worse.

 

Sunday was better. We headed to Brick Lane and checked out the markets there. The food was tempting. Also went to the new Rough Trade store which was pretty awesome too. Lots of good stuff. Even though its smaller, I still prefer the Notting Hill store though I think. I did see a recent reissue of a Gang Of Four 7” which was limited to 500 copies for £2.50. I didn’t buy it though cos it was off one of their supposedly crappy records. Also, I still don’t have any money. And I’d rather spend the money on an awful coffee. Afterall, that is all you can buy here by way of coffee. But I guess I’m getting used to it.

 

Lots of stuff coming up though. Liars, Deerhoof, Animal Collective, Beirut, Kode 9, The Bug…heaps. Heaps and heaps. Don’t know what’s doing with local punk stuff though to be honest. Maybe there’s good stuff but I’m content to just check out the other stuff right now. Plenty of small artwankexperimental shows too to keep me happy. I just need to get paid!

this time next week, i will have landed in london. shit.

 my last day at work here today. officially, i've been on the books since June '04. that's the longest i've been in a job since i left uni. 

its definately the best place i've ever worked - or am likely to work - so i have pretty mixed feelings about it all. i think i'm past the sentimentality about it all. i've come to accept that its sad i'm leaving and that i'll probably regret it at times. but i also realise its time to move on before things get stale. i can't stand twiddling my thumbs at work and even if it didn't get that way (it wouldn't), it would feel like it at times because i feel like i'm not learning at the rate i used to be and that it would only get worse if i stayed in this environment at the moment.

so time to move on. get overseas. get some new knowledge. get some solid, varied experience. not so much for career, but more for my own satisfaction. 

i also feel like i'll be back here one day - possibly sitting in the same chair, but more likely in an office as a partner. that is the hope, and i think it is plausible. it is a company i'd like to be a part of in a more solid, tangible way. i mean, if you gotta work for a living, you may as well do it in a place you like. i realise that's a little condradictory, but the timing isn't right for me to be here right now. it probably will be one day. for now, there is a world to see and i should use the good position i'm in to get out there and see it.

i just wish i didn't feel like i was just cleaning my desk to go on holidays. its going to be hard and i need to be prepared. still, looking at it like a holiday has its advantages too i guess.

removalists come friday so most stuff needs to be ready by then.

i finish work that same day.

saturday i need to get rid of a bunch of stuff to my parents (and to others who can't be bothered to pick up stuff i'm giving them FOR FREE which means i need to hire a fucking van so i can GIVE them things), pick up PA and get ready for party that night.

sunday father's day x 2

next week, clean house, meet up with a few people, get rid of remaining stuff from the house.

move to my parents house, probably on the 7th. Sydney Underground Film Festival starts that night for 4 nights (come! it should be awesome).

after that there probably won't be much to do but i'll be stuck in the burbs with few possessions and no real car to speak of.

getting there. still a long way to go. the shittiest part is that i'm too busy to hang out with friends that i'm not going to see again for a long, long time.

oh yeah. COME ONE COME ALL.

flakey people who complain about people being flakey mean that i may have plans til only about 9 tonight. looks like it could be an early night...

saturday night was so much fun. we got to play with amazing bands (Hee Haw are one of the most impressive new bands i can remember seeing) and we got to play a really fun set with a great atmosphere. it was great to see so many people losing themselves in what we were doing.

dancing, crowd surfing and friendly heckling definately make for a fun show. it seems like every show we have played lately has just got better and better. its awesome. it does make me sad that in two weeks time it will all be over though. it has been a hard slog at times playing like missionaries to punk kids with our often very non-punk tunes. but it seems like we are finally becoming the band we have been trying to be all along and playing relatively tight (though saturday was a bit sloppy). and it seems like everybody is really starting to catch on to what we're doing and respond in a good way. it makes me so happy about it all. but, yeah, sad that it is ending. still, i guess it is good to end on a high note. i just wonder if things would keep getting better. i suspect they could have. 

nevermind.

bought some great records last night. i haven't been so satisfied with multiple, simultaneous purchases for a while:

- Oren Ambarchi's  Stacte Motors
- Box Of Dub: Dubstep and Future Dub
- Fugazi's In On The Killtaker (finally a real copy...i'm a little slow)

each of these is killer in their own special way.

actually, red eye has some great vinyl at the moment. i was tempted to get the Panda Bear record as well but i think i'll stick to Animal Collective.

hey all, i've got a bass amp up for grabs.

it's a Behringer BX3000T head (300w) and a Behringer 4x10 box.

now, before you go thinking "Behringer, no thanks!", i can assure you this amp is actually quite good. i'll throw in a Behringer (no i'm not sponsored) V-Tone Bass BDI21 - a bass modeler/DI pedal that rips off the Sans Amp one. with this pedal, the amp definately holds it own without you needing to spend too much money.

yes, not too much money. i'm not expecting a shitload for this so make me an offer and if it isn't crazy, its all yrs.

hey everybody, Brand Disloyalty are disbanding soon cos i'm moving to london. in light of this, we're playing a final show at my house on September 1st. the lineup looks like being:

- Brand Disloyalty
- The Thaw
- Eucalypt
- The Colytons

more details, etc to come closer to the date. just wanted to give people an early heads up in case they're interested.


other than that announcement, the recording went pretty well on the weekend. we took a bunch of takes for the first song which didn't really make any sense at all, but they both came out good in the end. still needs vox and a mix but i'm pretty happy so far. shortty and i realised this means we have recorded every song we ever got to the 'finished' state with BD. a nice achievement i reckon. sure, they aren't all released and some aren't too great but at least there is a record of them all (actually, Lynch, do you have that one we played in melbourne a few times and tristan recorded?? i don't have a copy of it.).

it was a shame we didn't have time to record the God cover though. i just need to work out a way to record our last show...

Brand Disloyalty's second last show...





Last ever show will be on September 1 at my house. it will be Brand Disloyalty, The Thaw and one or two other bands. There may be a free cd of our last recording (this saturday) distrubted to those who care to attend. All depends on how the recording turns out and whether it is all touched up in time.

a bridge collapses in Minneapolis and 4 people die. there are another 20 people missing. colour photos and newspapers everywhere dealing with the problem. it is the USA, so there's lots of talk about prayers. it is sad, but perhaps undeserving of so much talk.

there's a train accident in Congo. up to 100 people are dead. i've seen one short article in the SMH so far. nothing else. i'm kind of surprised i've seen this much.

is it racism? is it something deeper? all i know is that it is fucked up and wrong that the western world can only empathise and relate with the western world. makes me so fucking angry.